For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Excuses are like asses everyone’s got em and they all stink.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away… so does having no medical insurance.
I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.
Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.
If you can’t read this, you’re illiterate.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
He who hesitates is boss.
As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never
